I’m Lonely: When is Too Soon to Start Dating?

The answer to this question depends on who you ask. Queen Victoria famously mourned Prince Albert by wearing black for the remainder of her life, forty years. The fictional character Scarlet O’Hara in the novel Gone With the Wind scandalized her peers by dancing with a bachelor at a charity event while “still in black.” The “approved mourning period” of the time was two years and six months. In our time, for most of us, there is no prescribed time period for mourning. In other words, deciding when to start dating after the death of a spouse is personal. Some are ready in a matter of weeks— others, never.

While deciding when to start seeing someone after losing a spouse is a personal decision, it is still best to do a little self-reflection before jumping in. Dating is not likely to bring your feeling of loss to an end. It may help to think of the dating experience like dancing. Suppose a person really likes to dance, maybe they have a partner they have been dancing with for many years. The two of them have, over the years, developed a comfortable routine. When they take to the floor, the ebb and flow just happens. It is mindless, it is easy. They are in a comfortable groove. They have done this a countless number of times before. The same dance, with a new and different dance partner, may allow the dancer to participate in the joy of the dance, but it will not be the same.

Dating with the expectation of replacing the person who died or the feeling you had with them is not likely to work. Not only will you be disappointed in the experience, but it is also not fair to the new person you are bringing into your life. In order for dating to be a good experience, it must be undertaken with an open mind and a level of curiosity. Dating is about getting to know someone new.

Getting to know a new person takes time, and it is a bit of work. Be sure you are up to the task. Be mindful of the idea that dating will also require that you are ready to be known. To be open and ready to share who you are with someone new. These are not easy things to do. Especially when a person has been in a long marriage where needs and wants had become second nature. Your spouse knew you. A new person will have no idea that you drink your coffee black, sleep in on Sunday, always use cloth napkins, and never miss Jeopardy.

It is not unusual for the widower or widow to be out of sync with family members as to when is the right time to seek the companionship dating may provide. For children, even when they are grown children, having a parent dating can be a hard pill to swallow. The emotions they feel may cover a wide range from fear for your safety to fear of losing you to a new love. Before jumping into the dating pool, take a little time to center yourself and prepare your family. The preparation you undertake may make the experience easier and more rewarding for all.

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